last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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