Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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