There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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