What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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