normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
