My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
