Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
