i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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