I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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