She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
