The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
