I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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