I think I died a long time ago.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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