Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
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The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
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My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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