alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
Randomize
