I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
