Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
