I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
