I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
