Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
sex in a hospital.. check
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
