next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
