i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Randomize
