If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
