Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
