so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
