that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
