I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
