I can text with my tongue
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Randomize
