Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
Randomize
