Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
