he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
