I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Mom said you looked used
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
