I have demons in me.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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