now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
