she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
