life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
