Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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