I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
