I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
