ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
