Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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