We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
