I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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