i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
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