No stitches, just platelets and will power
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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