are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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