you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
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