yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
