Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
