So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
