Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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