This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
