your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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