So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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