my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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